...to changing...to thinking...to journeying...

*For those reading on Facebook, it's best to read on the actual blog site, joelatorre.blogspot.com*

I have no idea where to start this next portion of my blog. It's been a long time back to writing on this virtual space. I previously wrote while in Europe and shortly after when back in the states...it took some time to figure out what had happened in this life and now nearly 3 years later I'm wondering what will happen in this life? Funny how we seem to always end up back at this question.
For those of you of you don't know me, good luck trying to figure out what the heck I'm talking about in these moments. For those of you who do know me, good luck trying to figure out what the heck I'm talking about in these moments! These moments, in reality, are for self documentation, understanding and reflection but are open to all and definitely meant to be shared. I've often wondered what the point of social media and blogging really is for and who really cares but I look back to my posts from May and July of 2006 and realize that was and still is exactly why I'm going to continue to write about my experiences. To reflect on my understanding in 2006 as to why I'm writing these moments, and to know these blog posts have maintained my understanding today, is what keeps me living. This is a great example of the essence of my motto and quest to understand, to maintain and to live.
I have no intention of being profound for the sake of making a huge statement. My intention is to let you in...to dump whats on my mind onto this space, sort it out and let you take something or nothing from it.

**To my friends, new and old, and to my family, I'd like to apologize if it has been way too long since we've been in contact. I've been working too much and have missed out and many moments with friends and family...I've sacrificed much to get to this point today and have neglected many relationships, friendships...and any other type of "-ship. I guess you could say I've likely sunken many "-ships" and let them dwindle at the bottom depths but as with any sunken "-ship" there are likely chests of treasure meant to be found again if they want to be found. I hope to find those chests at some point and with this off my chest and out of my heart let's move on to the heart of the blog...**

I'm leaving for Colombia in a few weeks and will be down there for an extended period of time. This is a personal and very important journey for me. ***History Time***To those who don't know me well or those who want a refresher, I'm half Colombian and have only met my fathers side of the family once, when I was 18. I've always had a slight identity crisis being I was the only child in my family born in the U.S. and I had no memories of Colombia like my siblings did, who were both born there. To me, being Colombian was not a notion...it was actually tangible, it was an old giant red photo album. You know the kind with real photos glued on the pages, with pieces of tissue paper separating the pages and with that distinct smell only old honkin' photo albums have! Only from this book, from the different cooking, from the occasional salsa music and from my parents speaking Spanish so we wouldn't know what they were saying did I know I was "different" from my very ordinary "American" upbringing. I never learned Spanish. I grew up and didn't think much about who I was nor did I care. After visiting Colombia for the first time I knew I needed to go back...I began to question who I was and what I was. College then led to certain moments of change in direction and then at the end of college I lived in Spain and traveled Europe. I noticed how locals I met were so connected with their families, cities, countries and identity. I shared those connections with my American side but gave a blank stare when asked about my Colombian side. Upon graduation and day one at my job I've been planning, saving and dreaming about this moment. I'm finally ready to leave what I know and enter what I know will be a most difficult yet rewarding journey.

Many have asked "what's the purpose for this ?" or "what are my goals?" and for the last 3+ years I've felt obligated to come up with a deep and moving answer about going to Colombia. It wasn't until recently during the last few months that I realized A) the people asking me these questions just don't "get it" and B) that I really don't know why I'm doing this...I'm comfortable with myself and who I am, or seem to be, even if I don't go. But my heart has not and will not stop pushing me to do this until I just go. As with many things in life our heart knows whats best and we sometimes have to let it lead us. The heart cares not for the goal or destination...but for the journey. Our hearts journey one beat at a time...beating, journeying, beating...until it stops...until it's reached it's destination, a full life. So too with our lives and our journeys do we need to take it one step at a time, one day at a time, one beat at a time. So my final answer to any question about why I'm going or what I'm doing is that I just don't know. What I do know is that a moment of reflection, action and discovery in my life is long over due and that it's OK to embrace this as it leads to true change.What's on my mind when thinking about my upcoming adventure is change!
Change--So why do we do what we do? What is our purpose in life? Why do we change and/or why must we deal and accept change in life? I feel these questions are important at all times but more so when we know a great moment is about to take place in life...getting married, giving birth, moving to a new place, entering or ending a relationship, changing vocations.. etc; essentially entering an area outside our comfort zone and realm of knowledge. How do we get to these moments of change? The question that I struggle with is not "what is change?" but "how does change relate to circumstances, chance, purpose, necessity and moments in life?". We know that all things are always changing...and that you "can never step twice into the same river"...that life is flowing, changing and that we cannot not change too.

I've been reading philosophy lately, more specifically pre-Socratic philosophy. I felt this may be a good way to get to the root of change as this era in history was a great moment of observation, awareness and thought about the natural world around us and was near the beginning of a time of profound questions such as "who are we", "where did we come from", and "what is the meaning of life". Of course during this period philosophy, science and theology were very much the same...today we know they each have their separate and unique places...and it is with this that I feel all little balance of each is necessary to understand our deepest questions.
Heraclitus, Parmenides, and Empedocles were three philosophers who helped me look at change from a few perspectives (some coffee and wine, at the appropriate times, helped to lubricate my heart and mind to grasp these perspectives too!). ***History Time***These three gentlemen breathed and ate during a time when the only elements of life were earth, air, fire and water and all things were made up of these components. With regard to change (in the natural world primarily) they each had unique perspectives. In brief, Heraclitus believed in "perpetual flux" or that everything is always changing at all times, that Strife causes change, and that unity in the world is formed by a combination of opposites. Parmenides believed that thought and language need objects in order to exist, therefore objects are always in our mind and thus nothing changes as all things are in our mind at all times (sorry, I'm not going to go much further into this...check it out for your self). Finally Empedocles believed that change is always temporary, that change happens when the four core elements are combined with Strife and Love. Empedocles also believed that change (in the natural world) is not due to purpose in life but rather due to chance and necessity. (sources: Bertrand Russell's "A History of Western Philosophy)

Are you still with me? I congratulate you for reading all this nonsense!!!

So, what does this have to do with my blog, my going to Colombia and myself? I feel like unity within myself won't be complete without knowing and having my Colombian side to balance my American side. I guess you could say I'm trying to extrapolate change in our current notion of it from the the natural world philosophers. So back to my question: How does change relate to circumstances, chance, purpose, necessity and moments in life?
I'm more concerned with trying to figure out if purpose in life comes from change through chance in life;...if necessity causes change which then dictates our purpose;...if powerful moments in life are caused by chance and if those moments' circumstances create the necessity to change, or the notion that we must change and/or deal with change at all times;or...if purpose is constant and chance, necessity, circumstances and moments are only random acts of change that reinforce our purpose. Why do we feel like we "must" change or have a control of change when change happens whether we like it or not through all the other variables. Finally, is it so simple that Love and Strife in our lives are the catalyst for all these variables to come together and create change?

Confused yet? I am. I can tell you right now I don't have the answer as to how these relate and I feel we all have to create our own path towards an answer. I don't feel we really need to have true knowledge of this question nor do I feel ignoring this question completely solves anything...it's the balance of the two, true knowledge and complete ignorance, that leads to wisdom. Again it's not important to always have an answer...a destination--it is important to always be thinking about an answer...to journey towards the destination.

















I also feel that "belief" in an answer to this question is not always acceptable for you don't need to think to believe. When you just believe, you accept without thinking and without thinking wisdom cannot exist. Balance!, balance and moderation in thought and belief in all things is the journey to many of our answers.

To begin to think and start our own journey towards answers in life we need to need to stop looking at ourselves on the outside for the outside view of ourselves is really only what others think or project us to be. We need to figure out what's inside. This is difficult however and requires time and effort.

An analogy I think of to explain myself is that of a jigsaw puzzle, a big one...a 10,000 piece monster. We either all have one or have done one or seen one right? So I think of the box with the pieces inside as our self. We can look at it and see what the puzzle looks like. It may be a beautiful landscape or object and for many just knowing what the puzzle looks like is good enough because putting it together is such a task. But when we're ready and up to the challenge we open that box...dump the 10k pieces all over the table, and we all have the same reaction..."what the (blank) am I doing?". We stare at a huge messy pile of weird looking yet important and unique pieces. We begin to sort and sort and sort...and finally find the corner pieces...then we begin to find the boarder pieces...then eventually we piece the puzzle together, through laughter and frustration, through moments of wanting to say "screw it" and dump it back into the box. We may notice some pieces are completely missing but we don't worry and keep going...we finally complete the puzzle and have a huge but brief euphoric sense of accomplishment and completion. What if find humorous with jigsaw puzzles is that before we begin we know what it looks like when complete. I guess the point to me with a jigsaw puzzle is not the end product but the process that it takes mentally and physically to complete the puzzle....again it's the journey of completing the puzzle.



So with my life I feel like for the first time I'm ready to open my self up, dump my pieces on the floor, find my cornerstones, find my boarders...my structure...and begin to sort through myself piece by piece and put that puzzle together. And about those missing pieces there always seems to be, well lets just say I'm going to Colombia to find them. There will be many moments I want to give up on the puzzle or say "who cares, I already know who I am or what my puzzle looks like"...but it is with everything mentioned above that I will think of and be reminded to keep going...step by step, beat by beat, piece by piece, strife by strife, love by love, laugh by laugh, tear by tear, moment by moment...reminded to keep journeying.